Saturday, June 11, 2011

A Tribute to Terribly Sophisticated Hilarity

Seanbaby is the best thing to happen to comedy since the banana peel. Every week I look forward to his articles and cartoons on, and for awhile I've been keeping a file of his best lines in much the same way I keep track of great lines in books I've read. In looking them over, I picked some favorites and present you with Seanbaby's 11 best lines. Because 10 was one too few than enough.

11. During one of his occasional literary reviews:  "Romance is like playing Mastermind except the girl never tells you which pegs you got right."

10. Preparing us for the end times:  "Most theologists agree that when the world goes out, it goes out big. And that's what you need to do. Decorate yourself in warpaint and doll heads and find a weapon too rad to be effective. A chainsaw on a rope, a bag of infectious tumors, maybe consider replacing your hands with beehives--basically you need to die so hard that when you get to Hades they already have a statue of you."

9. Educating people about video games...  "For those of you unfamiliar with Mario Brothers, I urge you to leave, as I'm sure the other Communists will soon be wondering why you're not harvesting the collective's potatoes."

8. ...and about interstellar relations:  "Captain Kirk boned things that didn't even have holes until he met them."

7. Helping readers find their calling:  "When you apply for a job as an airport screener, you are shown a jar containing three jelly beans and asked to guess how many are inside. If you guess correctly, you are placed in a holding cell and tortured until you give up the bomb's location (nice try, Muhammad). If you guess incorrectly, you are given a coupon for a free hug. If you throw the jar of jelly beans into a wall safe and scream for everyone to clear the airport, you are immediately hired."

6. He knows about biology:  "Without physical activity, the only way a human body can digest a Hot Pocket is by shedding layers of its own skeleton to battle it."

5. And has worked as a closed captioner:  "Shatner is reading these lines like they're on a ransom note that didn't get to him until his kidnapped children were already killed."

4. Then he started his own airline:  "We don't trust any of you motherfuckers, and that's why when you get on board, we hand each of you a gun. If you pull it out first, you're the terrorist. If you pull it out second, you're EVERYONE ELSE. Good luck, first guy."

3. Speaking truth to power:  "Bryant Gumbel is so white that he clutches his purse tighter when he passes by President Obama."

2. And he knows fine dancing when he sees it:  "He moved like space squids hollowed out a sex offender and were drunk driving him."

1. Finally, some words to live by:  "The best final thought you can have is, 'That would have been so awesome if it had worked.'"

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